where the lonely ones roam.

disappearing slowly...
hw:145 lbs    cw:124 lbs    gw:120 lbs    ugw:115 lbs

I’m back.

I’m disappointed in life, in relationships, in myself.

All I have left is reaching my goal. That’s all I want.

so much has changed.
and i’m getting skinnier.

my my says i’m “bony”.
i want to tell her that i’m just getting started.
although, sometimes the scale tells me i’m only one kilogram away from my best weight 5-6 years ago, i cannot believe it. i don’t look the same. i’m still fatty.

there are days passing by without eating anything good.
i have so much stress and worry in my life i’m not even hungry anymore.
and i enjoy every minute of it.

i enjoy the control. the fact that i can make it without eating much. i live through the day with a small breakfast. or just tea.
and i enjoy that someone worries about me.

but i still do this to myself. i cannot stop. even when i can see how skinny i am. i just don’t care.

i should start exercising again.
but who has the time?
maybe next year. i’ll reach my goal till then. and i can eat whatever i want if i exercise a lot.

i am going to change.

even my body wants me to lose weight. i’m cold and i freeze all the time….
warm yourself up on your own, i can’t put on 5 layers of clothes!

i’m at my lowest weight in years.

and i think i’m in love. 
he says all the right things (although because of all those complications he caused, i lost a lot of weight the past 1,5 months…). and i believe him.

sometimes i can see myself skinny. i can even admit that my legs are back. most of the time. like for example when i’m getting them waxed and the position i keep them in gives such a lovely sight i want to cry.

but then there are times like this moment right now. i looked into the mirror and i saw a fat girl. a really fat girl. it must have something to do with the fact that two photographers asked to work with me. i. need. to. lose. more. weight.

the past two weeks i’ve been eating well, today i stopped again.
i’m still not hungry. at all. i just feel dizzy, weak and have a headache. it’s not right, i know. but i just love the control and the fact that i can make it through the day without food.

will i ever be able to stop?